Yesterday was the funeral. I am sure you would have been very pleased.. it was beautiful. There were so many people there... which is not at all unexpected as far as I am concerned. It goes to show just how may lines you touched.
I almost did not go over to sprinkle sand on your ashes... but Craig wanted me to, knowing I would likely deeply regret it later on. i believe he thought it was a way to say good bye. Sheay came up with us.. but did not want to sprinkle the sand, which I can understand and would never make her do. Just as I walked away, the tears completely clouding my vision, I saw her wave. i thought she had spotted Peter, or your parents. When i asked her later who she waved to, she said 'the box". She was waving to you. I thought that was very touching... and it started me crying all over again. I was not really sure what Sheay thought, or how she was impacted.. she can be very quiet and not inclined to speak of such matters. This showed me that it is in her mind.. that she understood at least a little the weight of why were were there.
She also gave me a hug with no prompting. it sounds small... but it is not. She decided, on her own at the church, that I needed a hug. I thought it was again very touching.
yesterday was hard... very hard. But like Bev said, it will be most hard from now on. With no Kirsite to light up our lives.
Craig said he felt insignificant to all the many people who knew you longer, or better... I disagreed. I told him his value as a friend is no less diminished by the time you were friends... and you were friends in your own right... not just because he was my boyfriend.
today I have been thoughtful... I feel like I am taking for granted my health... my ability to just go for a walk, to do yoga. To eat right. I need to be mindful of that.... its not right for me to be taking those things for granted....
I wanted to let you know that I got a call from a good friend about an opportunity... I have to work to get it... but it is well worth it. Your words are always firm in my mind.... I know I can do this.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sept 26th
Dear Kirstie,
We got off to your usual slow start for a Saturday. Seems like if we do not have an appointment or time to keep, we tend to laze around. Craig needed a bit more sleep than the ST afforded us this morning with the 7.51am start, so he stayed in bed "for a few more minutes". I played Barbie's with Sheay... something we have not done in a while. I brushed hair, sorted outfits and propped them up against her door for display. I thought of you... of time being precious and the need to enjoy every moment we have at hand. Sheay was so pleased that I sat down on the floor with her... it was something we had not done in some time.
There were moments today where we shook of the pall of gloom that has hung over our heads since last Sunday when I got the text you had been once again admitted to hospital. We took Sheay to High Park downtown at my suggestion. I had just wanted to spend a family day together. Nothing elaborate... just time well spent. I do believe we were successful.
We hit up Michael's when done for Craig to buy another canvas. He seems to have found a niche with a theme he has been painting. Even he cannot gainsay the loveliness of the work, for once. Normally he frowns at it, makes faces. This time, he seems charmed by the work... as much as any artist can be charmed by their own brush strokes. As I type this, he is downstairs with his new canvas and the new green paint he bought.
Do you know what he said to me the other day? "she would want me to keep painting". I said "OF COURSE! She would be pissed if you stopped painting. " You were always quick to tell us "no negative self-speak" and Craig has often been reminded by me of your words, when he needs to be.
I keep saying the same phrase over and over in my mind. "This is confusing and weird". And it really is. I feel so hollow for the most part. Withdrawn. I could almost pretend that it is just a quiet period of time when you are napping and that is why I have not heard from you. And then all of a sudden I will start crying unbidden. I will think of something that I want to share with you... and then remember I cannot do that. You never got to see my new tattoo.... I never finished sending you the songs you asked me for ... your email is still sitting in the "IN" box so I would have your requests close at hand when I went to email you.
This is the first time in my life someone I was really close to has died. You never know how you are going to react to something until it finally comes to that moment where it becomes reality. I can see why people fall apart with grief. How they find it hard to find the joy in life again... when all they keep asking is WHY did this have to happen? WHY did Kirstie not get better? Why did someone so wonderful have to go through such hardships in her life?
We have been keeping in touch with Peter. We don't want to overwhelm him by texting too much, or calling too much. We know he has a lot on his plate... but that there are people who are helping him as well. I have offered to come and clean the house for you guys again. Tried to joke Tuesday night a bit that I come highly recommended. Peter said he'd take me up on my offer very soon. Don't worry Kirstie, I won't let Peter run naked.
Oh, I started to read a Charles de Lint book... Craig bought one after our talks and your recommendation that he was such an excellent writer. He finished "Memory and Dream" and I started it yesterday. So far i quite like it. Wish you were hear to share my thoughts on it. I can't recall if this was the one you said to buy or not. I figure if you liked it, I can't go far wrong. We have similar reading tastes. I will always be grateful to you and your dad for turning me onto CJ Cherryh.
I suppose I had best get some rest.. I working for a few hours this evening to make up some time at work... I'm out of sick/vacation days & I'm short hours.
We miss you like crazy. My friend Joanna, who mourns the fact she never got to meet you after all the times told her of how wonderful you are, said that she is sure if you had your cell with you, I'd be getting all sorts of text messages. I hope that wherever you are, its warm and comforting... surrounded by all those close to you that have gone before over the Rainbow Bridge. Love you. g'night.
We got off to your usual slow start for a Saturday. Seems like if we do not have an appointment or time to keep, we tend to laze around. Craig needed a bit more sleep than the ST afforded us this morning with the 7.51am start, so he stayed in bed "for a few more minutes". I played Barbie's with Sheay... something we have not done in a while. I brushed hair, sorted outfits and propped them up against her door for display. I thought of you... of time being precious and the need to enjoy every moment we have at hand. Sheay was so pleased that I sat down on the floor with her... it was something we had not done in some time.
There were moments today where we shook of the pall of gloom that has hung over our heads since last Sunday when I got the text you had been once again admitted to hospital. We took Sheay to High Park downtown at my suggestion. I had just wanted to spend a family day together. Nothing elaborate... just time well spent. I do believe we were successful.
We hit up Michael's when done for Craig to buy another canvas. He seems to have found a niche with a theme he has been painting. Even he cannot gainsay the loveliness of the work, for once. Normally he frowns at it, makes faces. This time, he seems charmed by the work... as much as any artist can be charmed by their own brush strokes. As I type this, he is downstairs with his new canvas and the new green paint he bought.
Do you know what he said to me the other day? "she would want me to keep painting". I said "OF COURSE! She would be pissed if you stopped painting. " You were always quick to tell us "no negative self-speak" and Craig has often been reminded by me of your words, when he needs to be.
I keep saying the same phrase over and over in my mind. "This is confusing and weird". And it really is. I feel so hollow for the most part. Withdrawn. I could almost pretend that it is just a quiet period of time when you are napping and that is why I have not heard from you. And then all of a sudden I will start crying unbidden. I will think of something that I want to share with you... and then remember I cannot do that. You never got to see my new tattoo.... I never finished sending you the songs you asked me for ... your email is still sitting in the "IN" box so I would have your requests close at hand when I went to email you.
This is the first time in my life someone I was really close to has died. You never know how you are going to react to something until it finally comes to that moment where it becomes reality. I can see why people fall apart with grief. How they find it hard to find the joy in life again... when all they keep asking is WHY did this have to happen? WHY did Kirstie not get better? Why did someone so wonderful have to go through such hardships in her life?
We have been keeping in touch with Peter. We don't want to overwhelm him by texting too much, or calling too much. We know he has a lot on his plate... but that there are people who are helping him as well. I have offered to come and clean the house for you guys again. Tried to joke Tuesday night a bit that I come highly recommended. Peter said he'd take me up on my offer very soon. Don't worry Kirstie, I won't let Peter run naked.
Oh, I started to read a Charles de Lint book... Craig bought one after our talks and your recommendation that he was such an excellent writer. He finished "Memory and Dream" and I started it yesterday. So far i quite like it. Wish you were hear to share my thoughts on it. I can't recall if this was the one you said to buy or not. I figure if you liked it, I can't go far wrong. We have similar reading tastes. I will always be grateful to you and your dad for turning me onto CJ Cherryh.
I suppose I had best get some rest.. I working for a few hours this evening to make up some time at work... I'm out of sick/vacation days & I'm short hours.
We miss you like crazy. My friend Joanna, who mourns the fact she never got to meet you after all the times told her of how wonderful you are, said that she is sure if you had your cell with you, I'd be getting all sorts of text messages. I hope that wherever you are, its warm and comforting... surrounded by all those close to you that have gone before over the Rainbow Bridge. Love you. g'night.
Dear Kirstie
We have decided to change the name of our Blog and post to it often.
With the loss of our dear friend Kirstie. we're no longer able to share our daily lives with her via texts. calls or at each others homes.
This way. she can still be a part of our lives and we can still share our days, our musings.
We love you Kirstie. We miss you.
Craig and Steff
With the loss of our dear friend Kirstie. we're no longer able to share our daily lives with her via texts. calls or at each others homes.
This way. she can still be a part of our lives and we can still share our days, our musings.
We love you Kirstie. We miss you.
Craig and Steff
Friday, September 25, 2009
We Miss You Terribly
Kirsten McKnight. We wish you were here with us.
A hole has opened, one that will take time to heal, but will leave a very big scar. The YBR is not a happy place right now. We all miss your texts, and blips, and tweets. Personally I'll miss the support and love you showed me in times of doubt. How you joined my inner circle of family, that continues to encourage me in my artistic endeavours. You believed in me. That means a lot. Just know that in those times when I get down on myself I'll remember your words, "That's a waste of spoons."
I'm battered and broken by the loss.
This was K's favourite painting of mine:
A hole has opened, one that will take time to heal, but will leave a very big scar. The YBR is not a happy place right now. We all miss your texts, and blips, and tweets. Personally I'll miss the support and love you showed me in times of doubt. How you joined my inner circle of family, that continues to encourage me in my artistic endeavours. You believed in me. That means a lot. Just know that in those times when I get down on myself I'll remember your words, "That's a waste of spoons."
I'm battered and broken by the loss.
This was K's favourite painting of mine:
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