Dear Kirstie,

its been a bit of a long week. i've been sick the whole week.., it started Saturday night. I took to work this tea I got the last time I was ill from the Chinese market. This time I really drank a lot.. it is a clod and flu time tea... it really helped. I feel better.
Tuesday i pulled ST out of school dor a trip to Downey's market... my friend Mark was telling me about it and during the week its only $5 to get in. So, we went. We had a good time. No one was there. We fed goats, sheep and a Llama. They had a hay jump and a very cool maze. we found 6 of the 10 stations before we pooped out. Craig was laughing at us because I was using my phone to keep track of the route and was sending text messages "left.left/straight/ right" etc.
Did I tell you we are feeding Squirrels? Sheay named them... Nuts and Raisin. They come right to the door and take the peanuts right from your hand. They only like peanuts. We fed them almonds once when we ran out, but it did not go well... they accidentally bit Sheay's finger.

She is fine of course.

Peter is off to Barrie for Thanksgiving weekend. I am glad he is with family over the weekend. I wanted to invite him here, but I am on call and it would just figure I get called and have to leave. Craig and I are trying to be there for him as much as we can.

peter sent me a text to tell me he is going back to bed. I offered him the same offer as you.. call me anytime... I am always there for a dear friend no matter the time. Joanna has taken me up on it.. and I am always grateful when someone thinks enough of me to reach out and accept the offer.

Last week Simon (co-worker) asked me in a quiet moment how I was... i could tell it was more than just a casual question. I asked him what he meant. he said that if he had just lost his best friend, he'd be in rough shape. it a was a hard question to answer, since he does not know the back-story with the Toad Queen.. and what it means.
I told him i was doing ok... but at work I am expected to come in and do my job and they have a business to run, so would not appreciate a basket case. He said he figured things bothered me more than they showed. i him he was right... that I cried everyday. just not at work. Simon has been the only person that has come right out and asked me or approached me up front about your loss. But i understand.. most people don't know what to say... they are perhaps afraid of saying the wrong thing.. it is uncomfortable for them. I get it. I found it very touching that Simon asked about me... he related a story of his loss too... grade 9 girlfriend work up one day with a headache... they found out she had 2 brain tumors and from summer to October 1st she died. Simon was devastated. I felt honored he shared that with me.
It just seems to illustrate the unfairness of it all.

Dear Kirstie,

its been one week since the funeral... it was a very long week here.. much longer for Peter. i've tried to give him some space... i don't want to crowd him... I guess I'm just not sure what he needs right now... As always, i wish you guys were closer to me... or I you. Then i could pop over like I want to... just drop off some dinner for Peter, or just to say hi.
peter is having a rough go of it today... i am not sure what to do aside from offer support. I'm very worried. i miss more than ever your sound advice and insights to what people need or the best thing to do.

Craig and I are trying to help him... i wish I knew what to do. Were he closer I would drop it all and go over... but I know peter likes his privacy too.

I mean for this to be an outlet for me today, but I am twisted into a knot about Peter now. I think I will give him a call... I hope that is the right thing to do...

Dear Kirstie

Yesterday was the funeral. I am sure you would have been very pleased.. it was beautiful. There were so many people there... which is not at all unexpected as far as I am concerned. It goes to show just how may lines you touched.

I almost did not go over to sprinkle sand on your ashes... but Craig wanted me to, knowing I would likely deeply regret it later on. i believe he thought it was a way to say good bye. Sheay came up with us.. but did not want to sprinkle the sand, which I can understand and would never make her do. Just as I walked away, the tears completely clouding my vision, I saw her wave. i thought she had spotted Peter, or your parents. When i asked her later who she waved to, she said 'the box". She was waving to you. I thought that was very touching... and it started me crying all over again. I was not really sure what Sheay thought, or how she was impacted.. she can be very quiet and not inclined to speak of such matters. This showed me that it is in her mind.. that she understood at least a little the weight of why were were there.
She also gave me a hug with no prompting. it sounds small... but it is not. She decided, on her own at the church, that I needed a hug. I thought it was again very touching.
yesterday was hard... very hard. But like Bev said, it will be most hard from now on. With no Kirsite to light up our lives.
Craig said he felt insignificant to all the many people who knew you longer, or better... I disagreed. I told him his value as a friend is no less diminished by the time you were friends... and you were friends in your own right... not just because he was my boyfriend.

today I have been thoughtful... I feel like I am taking for granted my health... my ability to just go for a walk, to do yoga. To eat right. I need to be mindful of that.... its not right for me to be taking those things for granted....
I wanted to let you know that I got a call from a good friend about an opportunity... I have to work to get it... but it is well worth it. Your words are always firm in my mind.... I know I can do this.

Sept 26th

Dear Kirstie,

We got off to your usual slow start for a Saturday. Seems like if we do not have an appointment or time to keep, we tend to laze around. Craig needed a bit more sleep than the ST afforded us this morning with the 7.51am start, so he stayed in bed "for a few more minutes". I played Barbie's with Sheay... something we have not done in a while. I brushed hair, sorted outfits and propped them up against her door for display. I thought of you... of time being precious and the need to enjoy every moment we have at hand. Sheay was so pleased that I sat down on the floor with her... it was something we had not done in some time.

There were moments today where we shook of the pall of gloom that has hung over our heads since last Sunday when I got the text you had been once again admitted to hospital. We took Sheay to High Park downtown at my suggestion. I had just wanted to spend a family day together. Nothing elaborate... just time well spent. I do believe we were successful.

We hit up Michael's when done for Craig to buy another canvas. He seems to have found a niche with a theme he has been painting. Even he cannot gainsay the loveliness of the work, for once. Normally he frowns at it, makes faces. This time, he seems charmed by the work... as much as any artist can be charmed by their own brush strokes. As I type this, he is downstairs with his new canvas and the new green paint he bought.

Do you know what he said to me the other day? "she would want me to keep painting". I said "OF COURSE! She would be pissed if you stopped painting. " You were always quick to tell us "no negative self-speak" and Craig has often been reminded by me of your words, when he needs to be.

I keep saying the same phrase over and over in my mind. "This is confusing and weird". And it really is. I feel so hollow for the most part. Withdrawn. I could almost pretend that it is just a quiet period of time when you are napping and that is why I have not heard from you. And then all of a sudden I will start crying unbidden. I will think of something that I want to share with you... and then remember I cannot do that. You never got to see my new tattoo.... I never finished sending you the songs you asked me for ... your email is still sitting in the "IN" box so I would have your requests close at hand when I went to email you.
This is the first time in my life someone I was really close to has died. You never know how you are going to react to something until it finally comes to that moment where it becomes reality. I can see why people fall apart with grief. How they find it hard to find the joy in life again... when all they keep asking is WHY did this have to happen? WHY did Kirstie not get better? Why did someone so wonderful have to go through such hardships in her life?

We have been keeping in touch with Peter. We don't want to overwhelm him by texting too much, or calling too much. We know he has a lot on his plate... but that there are people who are helping him as well. I have offered to come and clean the house for you guys again. Tried to joke Tuesday night a bit that I come highly recommended. Peter said he'd take me up on my offer very soon. Don't worry Kirstie, I won't let Peter run naked.

Oh, I started to read a Charles de Lint book... Craig bought one after our talks and your recommendation that he was such an excellent writer. He finished "Memory and Dream" and I started it yesterday. So far i quite like it. Wish you were hear to share my thoughts on it. I can't recall if this was the one you said to buy or not. I figure if you liked it, I can't go far wrong. We have similar reading tastes. I will always be grateful to you and your dad for turning me onto CJ Cherryh.

I suppose I had best get some rest.. I working for a few hours this evening to make up some time at work... I'm out of sick/vacation days & I'm short hours.

We miss you like crazy. My friend Joanna, who mourns the fact she never got to meet you after all the times told her of how wonderful you are, said that she is sure if you had your cell with you, I'd be getting all sorts of text messages. I hope that wherever you are, its warm and comforting... surrounded by all those close to you that have gone before over the Rainbow Bridge. Love you. g'night.

Dear Kirstie

We have decided to change the name of our Blog and post to it often.

With the loss of our dear friend Kirstie. we're no longer able to share our daily lives with her via texts. calls or at each others homes.

This way. she can still be a part of our lives and we can still share our days, our musings.


We love you Kirstie. We miss you.

Craig and Steff

We Miss You Terribly

Kirsten McKnight. We wish you were here with us.

A hole has opened, one that will take time to heal, but will leave a very big scar. The YBR is not a happy place right now. We all miss your texts, and blips, and tweets. Personally I'll miss the support and love you showed me in times of doubt. How you joined my inner circle of family, that continues to encourage me in my artistic endeavours. You believed in me. That means a lot. Just know that in those times when I get down on myself I'll remember your words, "That's a waste of spoons."

I'm battered and broken by the loss.

This was K's favourite painting of mine: